Archive for Family

What if my Addicted Partner won’t stop?

A very poignant comment to my article last month, from H. Hall, really struck a nerve. Again, I am very grateful for feedback of any stripe.

In regard to my suggestion that the spouse of a person with alcoholism/addiction begin to change her (or his) way of living, i.e. by seeking counseling and other forms of support, I might have overlooked a crucial point which these readers thankfully pointed out. I implied that when one family member changes, the entire family “system” must change. Reader H. Hall wrote to say that things did change in her situation; she ended up leaving a husband who refused to stop drinking.

This may seem like a bitter victory. Sure, things changed: first an alcoholic husband, then no husband at all! Thanks for the advice, oh wise one.

The sad fact is that sometimes a partner doesn’t change. I know of no hard and fast statistics; my own therapeutic experience is that most of the partners or family members of the clients I work with do attempt to stop or curtail their drinking or using when confronted with the possible loss of a relationship.

But this, unfortunately, is not always the case. Sometimes a person would really rather choose the bottle over their family. This is the absurdity and heartbreak of addiction. This is also why I consider it a form of mental illness, because I don’t believe a sane, balanced person would make such a choice. Sometimes a person gets so lost in the fog of their using that they become unwilling or unable to accept help from absolutely anyone. They are literally out of their minds.

It reminds me of the story from “The Little Prince”, where the Prince encounters a man with a drinking problem. The man says he drinks because he has a problem – the problem is that he keeps drinking.

Here, in this type of situation, is where the partner has to answer a very difficult question. And that is, What kind of life do I want to live?

Some might say that the marriage vow “till death do us part” needs to be taken seriously, in sickness and in health; since addiction is a form of sickness, to leave one’s partner even in these circumstances would be unconscionable. Others might say, I’m not going down with the ship…if he wants to drink himself to death, fine, but I’m not sticking around to rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic. Such a person may decide that he or she wants to separate, in the hope that this might help wake up the spouse with alcoholism, or that he or she wants to start over again, in the hope of a saner, happier life. Neither seems “wrong” to me (assuming, of course, that neither the partner nor children are being abused).

However I would argue that, if someone decided that they were going to stay – perhaps due to one’s own existential viewpoint, or even financial considerations that make leaving impossible – then finding help and support is equally if not more important than a case where the partner leaves. Living with a person active in their addiction is unimaginably stressful. It’s an esteem-killer. It causes anxiety, depression, it is infuriating and generally crazy-making. Feelings of grief and loss are often involved, since very often the “good” part of the afflicted person may disappear in a haze of alcohol, pills or smoke.

If you do decide to stay, why not find an outlet for your stress, and a way of supporting yourself in dealing with the day to day heartbreak? Otherwise, you might find yourself taking out your anger and grief on your co-workers, friends, or even your children. Or, just as tragically, you may start taking it out on yourself, in a way that provides some temporary but ultimately harmful anesthetization of your own. This includes anger, by the way. Sometimes rage is easier to deal with than heartbreak, or grief. But it can lead to harmful behaviors that push loved ones away.

I would like to say that making changes yourself will automatically “jolt” the addicted person into action. But that’s not always the case. Still, in a miserable situation, something or someone needs to make the first move if there’s to be any hope at all of change.

Even if you find yourself in a difficult situation where your partner won’t or isn’t ready to stop, I still believe you owe it to yourself to find some support. Even in the worst of situations, we all deserve at least a little bit of kindness, empathy and warmth.

(Originally published on All rights reserved.)

Please do Disturb: Seeking Change in an Alcoholic “System”

The great Buddhist teacher and author Pema Chodron once suggested in a recorded talk that we hang a sign in our kitchen that says, “Abandon hope”. At the time, I agreed with the listener who exclaimed, “That’s outrageous!”

Hope is of course essential to peaceful, purposeful lives. The lack of it can lead to despair or nihilism. Hope offers solace in stressful times, a balm for chafed nerves; it often marks the road forward.

But there’s a catch. Hope, like fear, is usually about the future. Fear says, “Something bad is likely to happen”. Hope says, “It won’t be so bad, in fact it might not happen at all.”

Notice that both statements are about the future, rather than the now. Too much focus on the future can create a detachment or dissociation from the present, on one’s current feelings, perceptions, or overall experience. But experience is our greatest teacher. If someone is mistreating us, it is our bad feelings which tell us so; if we’re feeling loved, it is our emotional and psychic experience which tells us we’re safe, cared for, and so on.

We also learn from our present needs and desires which path to take, which roads on our personal “map” look promising. Passionate suffering, or positive relationships with others tell us whether we’d like to stay where we are, or seek safer ground.

I’m not suggesting we wallow in emotionalism, but rather become attuned (or seek help in doing so) to our own emotional experience, to interpret the language of the heart and spirit. For it is our current experience which, with some discernment (since these things are often subtle), tells us what to do and where to go.

This is one reason why we therapists and psychologists are always repeating that cliché, “Get out of your head”. We can fantasize so much about better scenarios in the future that we fail to take action in the now. Living only for the future, or fearing that the future will only be a repetition of the past, creates paralysis, which in turn creates cynicism, self-loathing and bitterness. These things push away opportunities for growth and prosperity of all kinds, be it emotional, financial or otherwise.

I see this all the time with clients who love, and live with, people with addiction. Life in a house or relationship where addiction is present can be so painful that, sometimes, thinking of a better future is the only way to tolerate or survive. It’s horrific now, but it will be better when…(fill in the blank). The only problem is that “when” may – like Godot – never show up.

Thus, too much future-focus leads to present despair, which only creates obstacles for change. Cynicism, for example, gets us thinking, “well, why bother doing anything at all…things will never change, life will always stink, guess I’m screwed.”

Interestingly, this line of thinking parallels the rationalization of someone abusing substances – i.e., “it’s a stupid, unfair world, so who cares, might as well get loaded.”

Why bother changing, if change is meaningless? May as well keep doing what you’re doing, and getting what you’re getting (i.e., misery).

In spite of any bitterness, spite or rage you might be feeling, if you’re living with an addicted person, the desire and need for a more unified, loving connection pulses somewhere beneath the surface. I’ve never failed to find it, however faint, in anyone I’ve been honored to work with in my practice, even folks who come in saying, “I give up, it’s hopeless.” (I always congratulate them on their strength and courage in seeking help.)

The bottom line is that something, or rather someone, needs to change, in a situation rife with stress and heartbreak. As the old adage goes, “if you want something different, do something different.” Usually the members of an alcoholic family freeze with anger or fear at this point, as if to say, “Sure, we need change. You first!”

Why not you?

Clinical observation in the mental profession has shown repeatedly that if one person changes, the entire family “system” changes. And addiction always adversely affects the system as a whole. The system becomes chaotic and volatile, yes, but patterns and routines – or homeostasis – emerge. The idea here is that something, no matter how small, must be done to shake up the system. But why should the non-using person take that step? Isn’t that the responsibility of the one drinking or using?

Partners or families of people with addiction are always shocked at how hard it is for them to adjust, when the partner gets sober. They report to me high levels of fear, sadness, anger, or other intensities – because holy heck, their partner is actually listening! They, like the addicted one, are “de-thawing” from a traumatizing eco-sphere where feelings get ignored, rejected or stuffed. It’s understandable, albeit naïve, to think that, if “they” get their act together, “I” will be much happier. Changing one atom affects the whole molecule, even when that change is positive.

Sometimes families of addicted people say to me, “I don’t want to rock the boat” by seeking help for themselves. I say, “Yes, you do!” Because if addiction is present, the boat is likely to hit the iceberg anyway, with or without you. Why not increase the odds of positive change by doing some rocking, to see if you can wake the captain and crew from their slumber, and change course?

It may sound a bit counterintuitive. In many areas, when we’re unhappy with a situation, we change it from the outside. Don’t like your grocery store or gym? Find a new one. Have a headache? Get aspirin. Don’t like that show? Change the channel.

But this is different. Not only because you can’t trade your partner or family in for a new one (though there are moments you wish you could), but also because there are circumstances wherein the only thing you can change is yourself, your own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, to jar the overall “system” towards healthier functioning.

To expose denial. To set healthier boundaries. To start telling your authentic emotional truth, without rage or fear. To say to yourself, “No, I’m not crazy, things are really messed up around here and I can trust my observations and feelings.” To get some support for standing up for yourself, against the abusive patterns of addiction.

It really is possible. Of that I’m hopeful…

(Originally published on All rights reserved. Copyright 2011 by Darren Haber)

Seeking Help When a Loved One Struggles with Addiction

I’m returning once more to the issue of living with a friend or family member who is struggling with addiction. First, let me thank again those of you who take the time to read these posts and/or comment. It means a lot to me and I am very touched by what I read. It drives home to me yet again how devastating it is to watch a loved one self-destruct, and to live with the insanity of addiction.

A few readers have pointed out that alcoholism affects everyone close to the one who drinks. As Jason C. wisely stated, “It’s nice to think that it’s not your problem. However, if you live with a secret drinker…their alcoholism will cause you problems indirectly eventually.” Or, as Kevin B. said, “There is no running away from alcoholism in your family.” However, not everyone saw it this say. One writer asked, “I don’t see why their partner needs to acknowledge the elephant in the room if they don’t want to.”

Living with alcoholism or addiction creates a no win situation for everyone. Partners or family members may opt for an “ostrich” approach, burying their head in the sand with the idea that “it’s not my life, it’s theirs” – but that can only work for so long. Ignoring or pretending that addiction “just isn’t there” or “isn’t that bad” is, unfortunately, a form of denial. It may work for a little while, until the day the you-know-what hits the fan (again) and the mental blinders are mercilessly smashed. (Ever notice that addiction and drama seem joined at the hip?)

The reverse of “the ostrich” is, of course, to never let the person out of your sight. But constant monitoring and “surveillance work” creates its own insanity, since no amount of control is ever enough. No matter how many bottles you check, or curfews you monitor, or bank accounts, or emails, or social sites (Facebook or Myspace), there’s always something you’re going to miss – and be stuck with a big fat resentment. Plus, the effort itself is draining and demoralizing.

You may be thinking, if you happen to be in this kind of painful situation, “So what am I supposed to do? Give up?” No. There is a lot you can do – for yourself. Follow me. Why do people either rationalize/pretend/deny on the one hand, or control/monitor on the other? One might say, “Because the addictive patterns are overwhelming.” In any event, we can agree that the denial/control type of behaviors are reactions to addiction.

But not only to the addiction. They are also reactions to the partner or family member’s own difficult feelings – such as rage, sadness, guilt, shame and so forth. The thinking, logically enough, is that “if I can get the addicted person to stop, the chaos and drama will stop, and I’ll feel better.” Who doesn’t want to feel better?

Thus the problem seems to lie “out there”…though those very distressing feelings are “in here”. And trying only to change something external to help the internal is a recipe for misery — especially when one is powerless over the addiction. Notice I said “only”. If you’re in the near vicinity of someone needlessly shouting, you ask them to stop. But if they won’t, you have to take care of yourself and go to plan B.

If you live with someone who is addicted, and can somehow intervene effectively, that is terrific. Sometimes this happens. But in many cases, there is very little – if anything – that loved ones can do. (This in itself creates distress.) Nothing may cajole, persuade or force the addicted person to stop, but something must be done. And very often that something means getting support for one’s own emotional trauma and distress. It’s a little like the safety instructions on an airplane: you need to help yourself before you can help the person next to you.

If you’d like help, but don’t know where to start, try asking your doctor, or local therapists, psychiatrists, hospitals, treatment centers, and so forth, about local resources. You can even email a therapist on this very website! Try not to make major decisions about interventions, divorce, legal situations, etc., on your own. Talk to someone with experience. Get support. Trying to figure it out by yourself only leads to more hurt and heartache, and that awful lonely feeling that is so hard to shake. You’d be surprised what’s out there – even online, if local resources are scarce.

I urge you to seek help, if any of this applies to you. It’s the most caring thing you can do for all involved.

This article was originally published on

The Abused Husband

A psychology professor at California State Long Beach has compiled an impressive pile of data – over 500 studies! – that suggests that women are at least as if not more physically aggressive than men in their intimate relationships. In a 2008 ABC News “What Would You Do?” segment, actors played out two scenarios in public: a man verbally abusing his female partner, then shaking her and pulling her hair, followed by a woman doing the same to him. In the first instance, several people intervened and stopped the violence, sometimes angrily; in the second, no one did a thing. One female onlooker even pumped her fist happily as she watched the woman slapping her partner. “Good for her,” she later told the interviewer, “I’m sure he deserved it.”

I am not here to minimize male-on-female violence in any way. I know that on the whole women are far more vulnerable than men to inexcusable panoply of verbal, physical and sexual abuse. But I am here to report that there is a flip side to this horrendous phenomenon, often more subtle and harder to detect, due in part to cultural stereotypes of masculinity and “toughness”, to say nothing of the shame and self-loathing felt by men who feel themselves “wimpy” (or worse) for not “standing up” to their partner.

I speak here of some of the men I have treated in my practice, both individually and in groups. Men who are verbally or emotionally abused by their wives – or girlfriends – are often loathe to see it as abuse, and tend to blame themselves for causing it in the first place. Very often these guys can’t imagine that their loved one would be so angry with them unless they had done something to deserve it. This holds true even when the anger is expressed in extreme ways (I’m happy to report that I have not yet treated a man who was physically abused by his partner). One client several years ago told me, “The fact that my wife is still angry with me means I’m still screwing up.” This despite the fact that he tried nearly every moment spent together trying (in vain) to please her. It was hard for him to see any projection on his wife’s part.

Many of these clients struggle with addictions and compulsive behaviors, often as a way of reducing or soothing unbearably painful feelings of failure, low self-esteem, unworthiness and other related affects. These men often report that they have “caused” their partners to lash out at them, or deserve abuse, due to their irresponsible behaviors (and inherent “badness”). What they often miss is that the partner’s anger – usually due to her own earlier trauma, such as neglect or abandonment – was at least partly in place to begin with. Intimacy requires safety and trust; rage and fear are fatal corrosives. It becomes a chicken-and-egg question of which causes which. Both partners’ issues need to be addressed to restore marital health.

Of course, none of my male patients have acted like boy scouts. They too have berated or verbally attacked their partners, watched pornography compulsively, flirted with or actually committed adultery. But, both before and after such desperate measures, they feel as though nothing will abate their partner’s anger. One such client said to me, “It doesn’t matter whether I’m good or bad to her, she always thinks I’m a piece of shit. So I might as well act like one.” He grew up with a viciously abusive mother and had come to feel as though he somehow “deserved” such poor treatment.

A survey of sex addicts by recovery pioneer Patrick Carnes found that 97% of sex addicts were neglected in their childhood. The percentage of those physically or sexually abused by their parents was slightly lower, but not by much. These numbers are telling. While this does not “excuse” or give carte blanche to destructive behavior, addictive or otherwise, it does create a context within which these behaviors germinate.

Our need for meaningful human connection – for being seen, understood, loved – does not just “go away”, even when it is inconvenient, unmet, or felt to be undeserving. It is a necessary nutrient of the soul, even when it gets in the way, or makes us lose face, like a “fault” that deserves judgment and criticism – by our partner or ourselves. How sad when two well-intentioned people fall into a cycle that continues to foster this corrosive lack of “nutrition” – on both sides, no matter who is being blamed.


This article was originally published on

(Don’t) Keep Coming Back, Part II

Thanks again to those who responded to my last article on why some partners or loved ones (POLOs) of those struggling with addiction/alcoholism may be reluctant to attend Al-anon. I’ll sum up the answers into 4 categories, based on public and private (i.e., emails to me) responses to the article:

1. Denial. For a POLO to attend an Al-anon meeting is to admit that the problem really is that bad. To give up the illusion that maybe things ‘aren’t so bad’ is to open a pandora’s box of emotions, such as anxiety, terror, guilt, shame and so on. A few of my patients have told me that attending a meeting was extremely depressing – i.e., “I can’t believe it’s come to this”. (Which, by the way, is a reason many of my patients who struggle with addiction give me for not wanting to return to AA meetings, that said meetings are “depressing”.  Interesting how addiction and co-addiction sometimes parallel each other.)

2. Embarrassment/Shame. Some readers told me they lived in small towns where everyone seems to know just about everything about everyone else. Thus attending a meeting is like letting the cat out of the bag, or “ratting” on the struggling loved one.

For others, attending a meeting is an implicit (or explicit) admission that they themselves are not enough to help the loved one. It’s a public admission of “weakness” or “not enough-ness”, since one of the underlying tenets of co-addiction is, “If he really loved me, he’d stop for good”.  This isn’t really true, but it feels true – and so attending a meeting is almost like stating, out loud and in public, “I’m really not enough for him or her to want to change”. And what a painful feeling that is.

3. Fear of Change. Another way of putting this is the old saw, “the devil you know is better than the one you don’t”. It is very hard to change the status quo or homeostasis of our lives. This is why, for instance, those who struggle with weight issues often continue to struggle even after a corrective procedure such as a lap band or gastric bypass, and so forth. The real “battlefield” is in our psyches, not our stomachs. This is also why people in the throes of addiction are encouraged to continue their recovery even after physical sobriety is established: underneath addiction lies a host of issues, including emotional, mental and relational problems that are not going to automatically straighten out just because the bottle has been trashed. That’s a fantastic start, yes, but now life itself must be lived – without the bottle – which is where the deeper, more lasting changes occur, or where “the rubber meets the road”, in recovery parlance.

It’s also very difficult, by the way, to begin focusing on yourself if you’re in the habit of keeping such close attention on the one with the addiction.  In fact it’s something akin to a foreign concept, the thought being, “Why would I focus on meI’m not the one with the problem.”  Of course, change has to start somewhere, and one person within an addictive system (family) can create outward ripples that effect everyone around her, with any baby step towards sanity, healing and healthy change.

4. It’s not my problem. Few said this but there were a couple of folks who said, essentially, that the addiction wasn’t their problem, and so it was up to the addicted person to take action and responsibility. This might be the opposite of a POLO who gets overinvolved, i.e. a distancing that amounts to, “don’t ask don’t tell”. This isn’t to say that any member of an addictive family is responsible for the behavior of the struggling person, or anyone else within the family. I guess my only concern here would be, pretending an elephant isn’t in the room doesn’t mean it’s not there, especially if you have to live in the same house as that elephant.

Thanks again for your valuable feedback.  I’m open to exploring this topic further, or others if you have any ideas. 

Copyright 2011 by Darren Haber.  Originally published on

(Don’t) Keep Coming Back

Many of the partners or loved ones (POLOs) of those struggling with addiction often seem reluctant to get help for themselves. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m hoping this article provides some answers.

These beleaguered folks are often fixated on the behavior of the loved one who struggles with drugs or alcohol (or other compulsions). Of course, it’s hard not to fixate on rampantly destructive behaviors. It often seems as though families where addiction is present are always struggling to either avoid or deal with addiction’s collateral damage (financial, emotional, professional, etc). I’m coming to the conclusion that because the behaviors surrounding addiction are so darkly magnetic, a constant pull on the family’s attention, it may be hard to understand why focusing on oneself is important.

I praise and encourage those who come to my therapy office to seek help, since admitting to a stranger (even if that stranger is a mental health provider) that one cannot solve a problem without help is itself demoralizing. Never mind that addiction is one of the most difficult maladies to treat, complex and subtle; for any person in our individualized, “do it yourself” society, saying “I can’t figure this out” often feels like an admission of weakness or incompetence. Especially if the problem involves a family member; most clients come to me with an inner critic shouting, “Why can’t you get a handle on this?” or “Why are you putting up with this?” or “You must be a really crappy parent/partner to warrant such mistreatment.” Very often, the feeling is that the POLO has themselves done something wrong, even if the possibly addicted person appears remorseful or contrite after yet another “incident”. It’s almost as if addiction’s sinister vortex draws out the dark underside of all of those who live in its wake: a vexing and demoralizing experience.

The part that stumps me, however, is why these folks are reluctant to try al-Anon. It was suggested to me that my recommending al-Anon may be akin to saying, “I as your therapist can’t really help you, you need to get help elsewhere.” When I therefore do make the suggestion, I am careful to emphasize that such support is to be in addition to and not instead of my therapeutic assistance. Attending meetings and sharing with others one’s struggles can be a wonderful counterpart to individual therapy – and, incidentally, is good role modeling for the struggling loved one, who may benefit from attending meetings themselves.

Still, reluctance prevails. A person will attend meetings for a brief period and then stop. I will (gently) encourage them to return, but usually they prefer not to. This, of course, is not at all “bad” or “wrong”.  Therapy in itself is amazingly effective, over time, though it often takes longer without the adjunct of group support. There just seems to be something healing about sitting with others who understand your problem and accept and support you unconditionally, in spite of all those feelings of not being good enough or smart enough, etc.

I’d be very interested to hear from you about why you think this is. I’m not at all trying to blame anyone here. Perhaps it’s a reflection of al-Anon itself. I know that some meetings are more attractive than others, depending on the group, the area/city, the strength of the program, and so on. I understand that 12-step is not for everyone. I know that if seeing an individual therapist is awkward, facing a roomful of strangers to discuss a shameful, agonizing problem is even more so. Sometimes meetings are far and few between, depending on where you live. And some seem to focus more on the problem than the solution, leading to a generally grim, even depressing “vibe”.  Still, I’m trying to get a handle on what might help those clients integrate into a process that has proven very helpful and supportive for those who take to it, and what suggestions I might make to those clients brave enough to give it a shot.

Copyright 2011 by Darren Haber.  First published on

“Disease” or not, that is the Question…

This definition of “alcoholism” was published by the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1992: “Alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial.”

Note that “alcoholism” is synonymous with “alcohol addiction” or, it is now generally accepted in the medical and mental health fields, with “drug addiction”.

The concept was actually introduced by the AMA in 1956, and yet – over 50 years later – it remains difficult to digest, both for those struggling with substance abuse/dependence and their loved ones. I treat many families and partners of people struggling with addiction, and they often retort, after I introduce the concept, “I just don’t buy it” or “I have a real problem with that”. Why?

The first objection is that the “disease” idea often sounds like a cop-out, or rationalization, as if the struggling person is shirking all responsibility or accountability by saying “hey, I have an illness, don’t blame me!” For those who have suffered for years in the face of destructive addictive behavior, this is not the mea culpa they’ve been hoping for. This is not restitution, or restoration of love, trust or other relationship essentials: this, they often tell me, is a dodge.

My first response, usually, is that calling addiction a “disease” does not get anyone off the hook for anything. To dodge treatment for this “disease” – which includes full acceptance that one’s drinking or using is out of control – is like a diabetic refusing insulin: irresponsible and self-destructive. In my view, an alcoholic (or person abusing alcohol) may not be responsible for the cause but they are responsible for the cure. This silences the endless debate about whether the struggling person is “bad” and gets down to brass tacks: i.e., treatment.

That treatment may include a 12-step program such as Narcotics or Alcoholics Anonymous, whose 4th step asks the recovering person (RP) to take a “fearless and thorough moral inventory” of himself. Later steps 8 and 9 ask the RP to make direct amends for past harms done and then to change current behaviors, for instance step 10 which says “when we were wrong, promptly admitted it”. The time for self-centered behavior, in other words, is over. Other programs like SOS or SMART Recovery or the Matrix follow similar principles of honesty, self-sufficiency and recalibration of values. And any recovery counselor worth his/her salt will find a way to “call” an RP on his B.S. in an appropriate way. The same goes for group therapy, where peers are encouraged to “call each other” out on suspect self-justifications for “old behaviors” that now need to change in order for sobriety to stick.

Of course, the partner or loved one (POLO, for short) probably has little to no reason or evidence to trust in the beginning, so some skepticism is expected. But no one gets a free pass in the effective recovery treatments I’ve employed or observed.

However, the “disease” concept brings another advantage in that it takes the moral burden off of the RP, while leaving intact the responsibility for cure. In recovery circles it is common to hear that “we’re not ‘bad’ people trying to be good, we’re sick people trying to get better”. Many if not all RP’s live with a disproportionate sense of shame, guilt and general self-loathing. With very few exceptions, a person does not treat others poorly unless she thinks poorly of herself.

The same actually holds true for the POLO, who usually harbors an imbalanced sense of responsibility for not being able to “stop” or limit the addictive behaviors. If he loved me, the thinking goes, he’d stop for good. Meanwhile, the POLO often attempts to become a “stopgap” against the chaos and destruction threatening the very fabric of that relationship-system. The attempt to contain or reign in the insane behaviors eventually fails, leaving the POLO feeling like a failure – and isolated, despairing. This only stokes more resentment, thus cultivating even deeper divisiveness and negativity within the system.

This cycle only stops when one of the parties steps out of the system and “breaks the loop” by doing something different. This is why I encourage my patients, who are stuck in this system with an active addict who may not (yet) want help, to continue therapy and at least try al-anon, in order to carry the seeds of hope and sanity back to the relationship, planting the seeds of change within the system. Sooner or later, the person who is dependent on or abusing substances is going to have to change in order to continue to participate in the relationship; the POLO will, with support, get to the point where enough is enough, and set loving but firm boundaries and/or consequences, saying “no” to both the harmful behaviors and the disease.

The tragedy of addiction is that affects everyone in the system, rather like a virus that “infects” everyone linked to the person. The closer the relationship, it seems, the more virulent the infection. So many POLOs come to my office full of the same self-loathing the addict feels; each party blames the other while secretly hating him/herself, with feelings of unworthiness and shame, while wrestling with denial and – usually – the desire to control. Denial helps the POLO survive the day to day insanity, where leaving is difficult, since it is often felt as an abandonment, even more so when kids are involved. If it were really “that bad”, staying would be impossible.

Control is an understandable impulse as well, since someone has to be responsible for the day to day functioning of the house: bills, groceries, general upkeep, and so on. And the terror of seeing a person self-destruct is almost indescribable; to stand by and do nothing (or leave) would be equally insane and selfish. Yet the attempts to monitor, control or reduce the addict’s drinking/using eventually fail, leaving the POLO with an even greater sense of unworthiness, weakness and other shame-based self-perceptions.

Here is where the “disease” concept helps too, as it can be seen as an illness which affects everyone in the system, requiring overall treatment rather than mere strength or smarts. The loved one or partner is, therefore, not weak or stupid or unworthy; he/she has been affected (and infected) by an unstoppable monster of a disease that prefers death but settles for misery.

Thus all can be united to do their part against a common cause, individually and together, to fight a multi-tentacled beast that gives no quarter to those who try to fight it alone, without requisite tools, including empathic support and understanding.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Darren Haber.  All rights reserved.

How not to Enable an Enabler (part 1)

How can one “enable” an enabler? In my last column (“Breathing Room”), I discussed parents of addicted children, and the response was mostly critical of those who “enabled” their child by overlooking the “elephant in the room” (i.e., addiction) by continuing to support him or her, financially and emotionally — even when it became clear that the child wasn’t really interested in supporting himself by getting clean and, essentially, growing up. (Some ex-partners wrote in as well, who were bothered by their former partners’ parental enabling of their own kids or stepkids.)

The commentators that are critical of such behavior tended to be siblings or children of the “co-addict” in question. They watched, helpless and overwhelmed (with anger or grief or shock) as the co-addict allowed herself to be squeezed dry, in all manner of speaking, by the addict’s rapacious need for more of just about everything, and the refusal to be accountable. Adult children described resentment towards their parents’ seemingly monomaniacal focus on their sibling-addict, at the expense of the other kids in the family. (One writer said his parents couldn’t even afford to visit him at Christmas, since they’d spent all their money trying to get his brother clean – in vain.) Some siblings of co-addicts watched their brother or sister be skinned alive by the endless legal, medical and other costs necessary to bail out their children, who continued to use or drink as if there were no tomorrow, fully ensnared in the claws of their addiction.

The sense of helplessness and hopelessness in these comments was palpable, and so I thought I’d list a few things that might help a person in this type of situation, someone close to an “enabler” – call him/her the “co-co-addict”. I’ll start with the first suggestion now, with the rest to come in future entries.

So what can you do to try and prevent the enabler from enabling?

1. Attend Al-anon meetings. Hold on, you’re thinking, al-anon is for my dad, who is totally over-involved with my addict brother, right? Not necessarily. If you have a sibling who is in active or remitted addiction, you qualify. If you have an important relationship (say a parent, close friend, partner) affected by addiction, even at a one or two degree remove, you qualify. Addiction is negatively powerful – a psychological and emotional tornado that affects anyone even in the vicinity of its path. So much so that many survivors of the carnage need a bit of help, to get perspective and find an outlet for strong emotions.

But still, you’re wondering, why should I go? I’m not the one who’s messed up! The short and perhaps most important reason is that by doing so, you could possibly be helpful. The severely co-dependent co-addict may be so enmeshed with the addicted loved one that finding help for herself is a foreign, even bizarre concept. The focus becomes so locked in to the addict, on his lifestyle and behaviors, that the co-addict loses insight and self-awareness by the day. The “co” feels miserable, while convinced that her suffering is entirely due to the addict’s inability to pull it together. The co-addict’s motto is, “If only”. As in, if only she’d get clean, I could stop worrying and live my life. Or, if only he’d sober up, we’d finally have a real relationship. Relief, like sobriety for the addict, is always just around the corner. Why quit worrying? Someone’s got to! If I’m not watching over him, why…he’ll die! (Never mind that he’s dying anyway, slowly but surely.) Thus quitting is not an option. To quote the old movie, I’ll quit tomorrow…

If this person’s behavior is affecting you, by causing you to feel shrifted, minimized or ignored, or if you’re simply just tired of all the drama and insanity…and if you attend a meeting or two and find something useful there, then you automatically gain some personal experience (rather than simply an opinion) to pass along to the co-addict. You’ve become a potential example and can say “Hey these meetings are pretty helpful, maybe we could go together, it might help you too.” vs. “You need to go and quit dithering around, stop being a victim.” Which sounds more enticing?

Of course, no one is all that excited to go to Al-anon—just as the addict or alcoholic most likely dreads the prospect of Narcotics or Alcoholics Anonymous (NA and AA). In the beginning these programs often feel like a jail sentence. But change has to start somewhere. To quote Bob Dylan, “I guess it was up to me…” Seeking help, really, is an act of kindness, since what you find helpful for yourself can be passed on to others.

To find a meeting in your area, simply do an internet search for “Al-anon meetings” in your town or nearest city. Most Al-anon sites have online meeting schedules or contact info for how to find them. The Al-anon world service phone number, if you have trouble with this, is 1-888-4AL-ANON. (888-426-2666)

Next time, another suggestion which will probably sound as strange as this one!

©Copyright 2010 by Darren Haber, MFT. All Rights Reserved. This article was originally published at  This article was solely written and edited by the author named above.

First Things First

One of my clients recently said something so insightful that I just had to share it (with his permission).  Regarding why he had to let go of his desire to re-kindle a relationship, he told me, “I’ve always put her, and other people first…but maybe I need to learn how to put myself first, before I can do that with anybody else.”  Another valuable reminder of how, so often, it’s my clients who teach me… 

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